Only words
When we’d had the discussion about how I would greet him in future, it had been in the form of filth whispered directly in my ear as I’d limply struggled and moaned, held tight against his chest whilst he fucked me with his fingers.
Masturbation Monday… or not
As I write this I am sticky and satisfied, flushed and slightly breathless, coasting on that delicious loose-limbed whole body high that is the result of a really good orgasm.
Three Memories
He has never hit me in the stomach before and whilst the blow is not hard it is shocking, as is the change in him as he hits me. I feel rather than hear myself gasping and I am scuttling backwards on the bed like a spider, like a man falling, but there’s nowhere to go and I end up in a corner with him almost on top of me, crouched over me with a raised fist.
Things I Don’t Remember
I don’t remember repeating his name over and over until he tells me that I did, and then the memory comes back, and I can almost feel it, the ghost of what I meant when that was the only word I could say.
Flicker and glow
I am alone and naked on the bare mattress as I hear him removing things from the drawer where the things that hurt live, and I am enjoying the last few moments of curling up and into myself. I press my thighs and forearms together, hold my own hands.
Dog days
He asks if I am sore, leaning over me with one hand on my back to keep me down, pressing himself up against the entrance of my cunt. We are both breathing heavily, muscles slightly tensed in that taut, tight way that happens just before fucking. He tells me – matter-of-factly – that he doesn’t actually care if I am am sore as he pushes inside me.
Thursday Afternoon
I walk back to town with my best friend, where I’ve agreed to meet him. I tell her not to wait, because I want to be on my own when he arrives. I am suddenly self-conscious about how I might seem to her, who I might become when I’m with him.
Friday
You know when you have that ache, that deep-deep ache that starts between your legs but goes all the way up into the very centre of you, that makes your stomach feel tight and light and shuddery?
Origin Story
When I met Kristan, I started to write again. I would come home from meeting him covered in painful marks and emotional bruises, unable to understand why I felt so simultaneously elated and like I wanted to lie down on the floor, cry, and never move again. I found myself lost, unable or unwilling to see the thing that was in front of me…