Only words
When we’d had the discussion about how I would greet him in future, it had been in the form of filth whispered directly in my ear as I’d limply struggled and moaned, held tight against his chest whilst he fucked me with his fingers.
Listen
I’m chained and kneeling in the corner of the room when the doorbell goes. He put me there – naked but for the collar around my neck, chain lead attached to the wardrobe to keep me in place. I’m on my knees, legs a little splayed, bright red cane marks striping my thighs from earlier when I voiced my disagreement about this proposed treatment.
Once upon a time: A night from the past in 5 parts
He often mocks me like this, pretending ignorance of the hurt he’s caused, treating me as if I’m stupid and peculiar for reacting. It upsets and arouses me in equal measures.
The intimacy of sleep
I’ve never slept well, even as a young child. Insomnia and sleeplessness is a theme woven through my life, from as far back as I can remember, to my teen years, to becoming an adult – and at this point it seems unlikely that it’s something that will change. Sleep therefore has become a signifier of the mystical and the precious, the most intimate of acts.
Things I Don’t Remember
I don’t remember repeating his name over and over until he tells me that I did, and then the memory comes back, and I can almost feel it, the ghost of what I meant when that was the only word I could say.
Bite ya tongue
We end up off-centre on my bed, with me below him, as he relentlessly fucks my mouth. I’m twisted slightly at an angle and I can feel the side of my tongue being pushed into the sharp edge of my teeth with every thrust.
Love in dark places
I find Kristan, and we leave to go to another party. When we get there we lightly mingle. We do illicit things. He fucks me in a sex swing in almost pitch blackness. Pulls my bodysuit aside and rips a hole in my tights to get to me.
On Crying
It is an effort to still my breathing and swallow sobs. There is a place inside that they are all forced into until my chest feels like it might expand and burst. I bite my cheeks and swallow again. Feel my eyes widen with the effort. Squeeze them shut.
Shhhhh.
I let my leg loll heavy in his hands, mimic being relaxed, unconscious. He traps it between his thighs, pushes my legs further apart. This is the moment, I think, that things start to feel a lot more wrong. But it’s okay because I am asleep.